-13-

“So Disappointed In You, Xander. You Can’t Even Keep A Little Squirrel Down.”

Xapper sighed then he told Broadway and Little Defiant, “Xeak says I should eat it.”

The light from the piece of Zholl'xess pulsated and the little ball quivered and squirmed. It was alive. But was it alive like the undead were? Was it some other kind of alive, something far beyond Xapper’s understanding.

“That is a freaking awful idea,” said Broadway.

“Plasmee thinks it's a bad idea too,” said Little Defiant. “And she doesn’t want to eat it either.”

“I mean, a rotting zombie is one thing,” said Broadway. “But we have no idea what Zholl'xess is and what eating it will do to you.”

“I know but do either of you have any bright ideas on how to get rid of this thing?” asked Xapper. He then looked all around the forest. “And think fast before any zombies show up to protect their commanding officer.”

“Well, that magic book brought it into our world and it should be able to send it away,” suggested Broadway. “But the problem is I have no idea how it works.”

“You did manage to curse me with that book,” said Xapper.

“Yeah and that was a fluke under Wilma’s guidance,” said Broadway. “She knew how it worked. And there are only two other people I know who could use it.”

“Valiant and her teacher,” said Xapper with a sigh. “Okay then! We take this Zholl'xess thing with us to Arkham. Now, any idea of a safe way we can transport it? Handling hazardous materials is above my pay grade.”

“Yeah, touching it with our bare hands might not be the best idea,” said Broadway. “I might have something in my bag—”

And just as Broadway turned around, a squirrel fell from a tree branch above. It was undead and it fell right over the piece of Zholl'xess. The squirrel picked up the piece with its tiny paws. It then stuffed the whole thing into its mouth.

Xapper moved quickly and grabbed the squirrel before it could get away.

“No you don’t you, you little shit!” shouted Xapper as he opened his mouth.

“No! Xapper don’t!” cried out Broadway.

“Don’t do it, Mister Sergeant!” shouted Little Defiant.

Plasmee called in horror like a frightened animal.

But despite his companions’ pleas, Xapper shoved the entire squirrel into his mouth. Its claws scratched his teeth and it bit his tongue. He did not chew the squirrel but tried to swallow the whole thing. The squirrel struggled against his mouth and throat muscles.

The squirrel tasted and felt like he shoved an entire hamburger into his mouth. And he started to choke on it and Xapper grabbed his throat. The furry tail hung from his lips and tickled his nose.

“The freaking hell is wrong with you?!” screamed Broadway. “We could have put that stupid squirrel in anything!”

“Mmmm-ah!” groaned Xapper, unable to speak with a whole squirrel in his throat.

“Plasmee thinks you are in danger,” said Little Defiant. “If Zholl'xess gets in you, you might actually die.”

“Spit it out now!” demanded Broadway as she reached for the tail.

Xapper then shook his head and backed away from her.

“I don’t think Mister Sergeant is going to let the squirrel out,” said Little Defiant.

“Fine then!” said Broadway as she grabbed her bag. “Let’s just get back to town before anything else happens!”

“Gahh-mmm-ah,” muttered Xapper as he reached for his rucksack. He felt dizzy. “Mah.”

Xapper’s vision then went dark and he fell forward onto his rucksack. Broadway and Little Defiant called out to him. But their voices fell on deaf ears as Xapper lost consciousness . . .

🍴🧠

“Right, Lee,” said Xapper as he held the baseball and showed his son. “Watch this.”

With his bat in the other hand, Xapper threw the baseball up, and then struck it with the bat. It went long and his son nodded silently. Lee was about to turn thirteen and flew from the UK to the US to visit Xapper.

“Your hand-eye coordination is impressive, dad,” said Lee with his high-pitched British accent.

“It’s all about practice,” said Xapper. “Practice makes perfect.”

“Auntie says ‘practice makes permanent’ which is accurate,” said Lee.

Xapper nodded. He felt awkward to be around his son. The boy was smarter than him and looked more like a girl with each visit. Lee even had long beautiful hair that would make any girl his age jealous.

“Have you played any sports back home?” asked Xapper.

“I tried football and cricket but did not care for them,” said Lee.

Xapper nodded and readied another baseball. And he struck it with ease. And it went long. He then sighed as he avoided looking at his son.

“Something troubling you, dad?” asked Lee.

“Well, it’s this elephant in the backyard,” said Xapper. “You’re wearing lipstick and makeup and earrings and all that.”

“I am,” said Lee. “Auntie has been supportive about it.”

“Right, right,” said Xapper. “Good.”

“Dad, we really should—” Lee went silent and watched as Xapper hit another baseball.

Xapper then dropped his bat and said, “Look, Lee. I was born and raised as a military man. Outside of the rules and regulations and the constant promise of a fight, I never really thought outside of the box. And I don’t really think outside the box. Are you following me so far?”

“I do and I am sorry,” said Lee as he lowered his head. “For being outside the box.”

“No, no, ain’t nothing you got to be sorry about,” said Xapper. He then rolled his bat under his boot. “But if I’m understanding it right, things over there aren’t very favorable for . . . someone like you.”

“They are not favorable anywhere for someone like me, dad,” said Lee bluntly.

“Right, right but—” said Xapper before he forced the words out he so desperately wanted to avoid. He loved his son and wanted what was before for him. But Xapper needed to say the words now before Lee left the next day.

And being a drill sergeant, Xapper could not help but shout the words:

“Look, I don’t care what you do! You’re free to decide for yourself! But not everyone is like me and your Aunt Poppy! You will face crap that I can’t help you with, you understand?! Remember your mom and how much of a bitch she was when you told her, your own freaking mother! No one is going to understand, Lee!”

“Dad, I know,” said Lee calmly. “But this is who I am and I am ready to face the hardships that come. So don’t worry for my sake. Trust me, I want this and I will be okay.”

His son had the patience of a saint. And he was so mature at such a young age. Xapper envied how calm and collected his child was even with him shouting and making a scene.

“Why do you gotta be so thickheaded?” asked Xapper with a smile.

Lee shrugged and smiled. “I guess I get my thickheadedness from you.”

Xapper nodded and chuckled. “Right, you got me there.” His eyes then watered and burned. “You got more guts than most, kid. I’ll give you that. And you got endless courage too. I guess that’s why I’ve never been disappointed in you. You set your mind to something and you face the crap head on . . . just like a real soldier.”

“That type of positivity helps a great deal, dad,” said Lee, eyes watering too. “Thank you.”

“Right . . .” Xapper felt very awkward but he had to stay strong. For his only child’s sake, he needed to be the best father he could be. And hear Lee out. “Right, tell me about it then. I’m all ears.”

Lee then talked about technicals and details that Xapper only half understood. It was a hard conversation for him to have. But at least he was listening and trying to process it all.

After Lee finished, Xapper nodded and asked, “Right, so you're going to change your name too then?”

“I am sorry but I will be,” said Lee.

“No more sorries. And what did you have in mind?” asked Xapper. He then grinned and said, “Xapper is a badass name, right?”

“It is but I am going to keep mother’s name,” said Lee.

Xapper sneered and scoffed. “Why in the hell keep her name? After all she’s put you through!”

“Because it is Auntie Poppy’s name as well,” admitted Lee.

“Right. You know, back when we were young, I almost asked Poppy out before your mother,” admitted Xapper. “Your mom just got her hooks into me.”

“And why did you choose mother over Auntie?” asked Lee. “If you do not mind my asking?”

“Well, it was a lot of things,” said Xapper as he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Things that a young military brat on tour in a foreign land would fall prey to.”

“Her looks and her ability to consume a high quantity of drink, right?” asked Lee.

“Yeah, that’s about it,” said Xapper. “Right, so, ‘Shooter’ is staying. But what about Lee? You’re changing your first name then?”

“Yes I am,” said Lee with a shrug. “I know my name is the one thing mother and yourself agreed on but I feel that I need to change it.”

“No, I get it,” said Xapper. “So, have you decided yet?”

“Auntie has suggested Valiant, like Prince Valiant from a serial she used to read,” said Lee. “I like it. I may legally change it soon.”

“Valiant Shooter,” said Xapper with a confident smile. “I like it. It's got an edge to it. And after you graduate, you are going to continue your education?”

“Yes, I am going to university right after graduating,” said Lee.

“Good, you’re a free thinker and academics is a better fit,” said Xapper. “And . . . what about girls?”

“Oh, I still like girls,” said Lee, blushing a bit. “That will not be changing.”

Xapper nodded and said, “Good. Because if you did have a boyfriend, I’d give him hell.” He then picked up a baseball and tossed it in his hand. “Now, enough of this serious crap. Want to play catch?”

“With you, dad, anytime,” said Lee with a smile.

Xapper fondly remembered playing catch with Lee. The memory he recalled was the last time Lee visited as Lee. Valiant Shooter came to see him after and became more of a daughter with every visit.

A voice then echoed, “Son or daughter, you love your child all the same, Xapper.”

Xapper found himself looking from the outside of the memory. He watched as his past self and son, soon to be daughter, played catch. He did not recognize the voice that spoke but he was very relieved it was not Xeak.

Still, another voice in his head was concerning. It was elderly and sounded like a grandmother. Xapper looked all around him. Then he looked behind and then down.

Plasmee was sitting on a bench behind him. There was no Little Defiant attached to her. Xapper then sat next to Plasmee and folded his hands into his lap.

“So, Plasmee, you can get into people’s heads then?” asked Xapper.

“I can,” said Plasmee as the little monster nodded. “As long as I make physical contact.”

Her mouth did not move and her voice echoed gently in Xapper’s head. Her voice was a lot more welcoming than Xeak’s. And sitting with Plasmee brought a warmth and comfort that relaxed Xapper.

“Physical contact, huh?” said Xapper. “So, what? Are you biting my head or something?”

“No, you are currently in my stomach,” said Plasmee. Xapper stared at the little monster. “You were too heavy to carry and zombies were attacking. When I consume food, I do not gain weight. That is why Jamie can carry me after I gorge on vast amounts of the undead.”

“So, let me get this straight,” said Xapper. “You ate me and because of some stupid magic rules, Little Defiant can carry you while I’m in you. Which means she is carrying both of us right now, yeah?”

“Yes,” said Plasmee casually.

“You say that so calmly, like she’s carrying a bag of groceries,” said Xapper. “And you eating me was risky since I got that squirrel in my throat and it has—”

“That was very foolish of you to eat that zombie with Zholl'xess inside of it,” said Plasmee as she scolded Xapper. “You might be a necrophage and have the blessings of Nar-Goathgeir. But even she can only do so much to protect you from another god’s power.”

“I feel like I’ve been drafted into a war that I don’t understand,” said Xapper.

“Same. I was from a far away world, a different time and space from your reality,” said Plasmee. “I’m not even a necrophage originally. I was made into one after I was summoned to this world. And I have only learned about this world by eating the dead brains of the former living.”

“That explains why you can talk and think like a human,” said Xapper.

“It is a skill I do not even understand myself,” said Plasmee. “Perhaps it is because I am connected to Jamie? It could be a blessing from Nar-Goathgeir, yes? I may never know. And perhaps, I may never want to know.”

Xapper nodded as he watched his past self with his only child. “I get that. So . . . be honest, Plasmee. Do you think I’ve been a good father?”

“You are better than Jamie’s father,” said Plasmee.

“That’s a low bar,” scoffed Xapper with a sneer. “I mean . . . I haven’t been in Valiant’s life much. The whole transition thing is something I will never understand. And she’s so damn smart, I feel like an unworthy idiot to have a daughter that special.”

“And yet, there you are, playing catch with your child, despite all of that,” said Plasmee as she nodded at Xapper’s memory. “I have learned much about your human race, after eating so many of your dead. I have learned about fathers who are good to their children and many, many who only do harm.”

“And which am I?” asked Xapper.

“You are a good man, Xapper, and despite the distance between you and your daughter, you remain the father she needs,” said Plasmee. “You should never doubt your love for your child.”

“Yeah, I know,” said Xapper as his eyes waters. “Still, I’m not the best.”

“You don’t need to be,” said Plasmee. “You just need to be a father.”

Xapper nodded and slapped his cheeks to shake himself out of his pity party. “Right, enough sappy crap. Are we somewhere safe? Can you spit me out now?”

“I am about to spit you out,” said Plasmee. “Jamie and Pauline will be removing the squirrel with Zholl'xess from you.”

“I don’t even want to know how they are going to do that,” said Xapper. “And, yeah, how is it I’m not melting from your acid plasm stuff, anyway?”

“I held back the urge to produce my plasm,” said Plasmee. “Otherwise, I would digest you and the squirrel and then I would be stuck with Zholl'xess in my stomach. Please think before you eat something besides the undead next time.”

Xapper then stood and stretched. “Right, well, I better wake up then so you don’t have to worry about Zholl'xess getting in you.”

“Xapper,” said Plasmee, calling for his attention. “Those girls need a father figure right now. I know you do not believe yourself to be a good father. You can be one for them. And stop doubting your relationship with Valiant. Those are your orders from your senior necrophage.”

Xapper then smiled and saluted Plasmee, “Ma’am! Yes Ma’am!”

🍴🧠

Xapper awoke just as Little Defiant had her hands in his mouth. She pulled out the squirrel by the tail. The zombie squirrel was out cold and twitched. Its fur had melted away and it became a naked rodent with blue glowing skin.

Xapper coughed as he watched Little Defiant skip towards Broadway. Broadway had a pot in one hand and a lid in the other. Little Defiant and Broadway then sealed the glowing zombie squirrel away in the pot. Broadway tied the lid down with cables and wrapped duct-tape all over the pot to keep the cables in place.

Xapper sat up and said, breathlessly, “You might—be—overdoing it.”

He looked around and found that they were back in the keep. Broadway marched up to him and pushed him back down onto the pink futon. Plasmee was perched on Little Defiant’s shoulders and watched Xapper with interest.

“Shut up and get some sleep, Sergeant Dumbass,” said Broadway. “And don’t do something that stupid again.”

Xapper then nodded and closed his eyes.

He then heard a familiar voice in his head.

“So disappointed in you, Xander. You can’t even keep a little squirrel down.”

“Shut—up—Xeak,” Xapper grumbled before passing out again.

To Be Continued . . .